Grief is the natural emotional response to a loss. It can occur after the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, loss of a job, or any other significant change in life. Common emotions associated with grief include sadness, loneliness, and shock. However, no two people handle it the same. 

Disenfranchised grief is a term coined by Dr. Kenneth J. Doka in 1989. The concept describes the fact that some forms of grief are not acknowledged on a personal or societal level in modern Eurocentric (Western) culture. People might not like how you may or may not be expressing your grief or view your loss as insignificant, and thus they may feel uncomfortable, or judgmental. This might include screaming, putting on a show, undignified to some.

This is not a conscious way of thinking for most individuals, as it is deeply engrained in our psyche. This can be extremely isolating, and push you to question the depth of your grief and the loss you’ve experienced. When my mother died, I did I not feel anything until about ten years later. I did not get a chance to have a mother child relationship with her when I was younger. Why, because I was taught to hate her for giving me away.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes the five stages of grief in her book On Death and Dying, 1969. It’s still the most well-known resource for understanding the grieving process. For her book, she interviewed over 200 people with terminal illnesses. Through these conversations, she identified five common stages people experience as they grapple with the realities of impending death. They may not occur in this order.

Denial. You may have difficulty accepting that a loss is real.

Anger. You may direct anger at multiple sources, including people who couldn’t save a loved one, yourself, God — or even no one in particular.

Bargaining. You may imagine reaching an agreement, so you don’t have to deal with a loss.

Depression. You may experience the complex emotions associated with depression, including emotional detachment.

Acceptance. Eventually, most people embrace the reality of loss even if the pain is still there.

There is love and hope in the scripture. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matt 11:28-30 ESV).